SloppyJoe's Pornstar Interview

My Pornstar Interview
I am a professionally-trained, highly-developed, UNLICENSED MASSAGE PRACTICIONER.
THE BEST WAY for you to reply to my ad is with an SMS text message. I really, really cannot be relied-upon to check my messages here, so please send me a text message to set something up. (You can find my number easily in my hashtags.)
I travel with my massage table, which i will have set up in my hotel room. You're welcome to wear whatever you'd like, including nothing at all. I'll be dressed for comfort in gym shorts and a tanktop (removable clothing).
I won't be watching the clock while I give you a full-body, therapeutic-style massage. Of course I'm also open to whatever undercurrent of intimacy or closeness you might choose to lead during your session.
Q: If we sat on the beach and drank wine and ate great food just you and I, what would you tell me about yourself and your life?

A: That's probably a good time to confess that I'm not opposed to the idea of cannibalism when it's necessary for survival. "Mm, this is good Ralph. What is this, his loin? So tender!" Hahaha!!

Q: What are 5 things you can’t live without?

A: I could go with the literal (air, water, food...), but that's the safe way to answer this, and (i would assert) not in keeping with the spirit of this interview.
So, my five things: honey-flavored yogurt (Zoi or Greek Gods brand), fresh pineapple, apple pie (i do make the best), laughter, and travel.

Q: Tell us a little about yourself, if you were to pick something what would you like others to absolutely know about you?

A: Everyone else should absolutely know that I am just like you, only with a different set of circumstances.

Q: What are your hobbies, what do you like to do in your spare time?

A: I like to improve my environment. So i can often be found cleaning and organizing, sanding, and repairing all of my nice and neat flaming shit. Oh, and I'm meticulous with my laundry.

Q: How do you go the 'Extra Mile' in your life?

A: I prefer taking baths over showers. Don't get me wrong, i love a shower. And i do baths the hygienic way, with a shower at the end.
But whenever I'm getting in the bath, i tell Google to play the news for me. This is the only cue my phone needs to begin about two hours of world news programming, as selected from the available sources on Google Assistant:
NPR News Now (USA), CBC News: World Report (Canada), NHKWorld News (Japan), NPR World (USA), This Day in History (Discovery Channel), Reuter's 5-Minute Global News Briefing (England), Global's Newsroom (London), RNZ Headlines (New Zealand), DW Newsbrief (Germany), ECR Newswatch (South Africa), Daily News Brief by TRT World (Turkey), Newsscroll News Headlines (Nigeria), KBS World Radio News (Korea), World in 10 (UK), and finally, The Audio Long Read by The Guardian (UK).

I feel well-informed.

Q: What do you do for fun?

A: Sleep. And i probably masturbate more than anyone, ever.

Q: Tell us about the best experience you have had in life.

A: Wow. That's a loaded question. For this, you shall have a loaded answer: I have survived many accidents which i probably shouldn't have. I've been to jail, I've been to rehab, I've been to Cancun. I've built homes, I've sold drugs (though never professionally). I've been a terrible person once in a great while, and I'm pretty awesome a good lot of the time. (Talk about a non-answer answer!)

Q: What distinguishes you from all the other people you know?

A: Usually it's my height. Or it's that stupid face i sometimes still (ever since junior high) make whenever a camera points my way.

Q: What would you say are your greatest attributes?

A: I have this power of persuasion. I often have no clue I'm even making use of it.

Q: What is your specialty?

A: Having gone to massage therapy school, plus having over fifteen years of experience as a masseur since then, i suppose my 'niche' would have to be the practice of healing, intimate massage. Anyone who hires me can expect to receive the benefits of this niche.

Q: How often do you travel? Do you prefer to travel or are you more of a homebody?

A: I'm a homebody traveler. I carry with me everything i might need to feel the comforts of home, whenever i travel. This way i can get comfy in a new place pretty quickly.

Q: What kind of diet and fitness regimen do you follow?

A: When I'm working, i like to keep high-protein and/or natural sugar snacks around (basically, fruit and nuts). And yogurt. I try to never run out of yogurt.
This, combined with the physical aspect of my work, are some of the things that keep me as fit as i am (which is not all that fit, really).

Q: What are your lifestyle specifics that makes who you are?

A: Always on the move, i am a traveler at heart.

Q: What would you like your readers to know about you that is unique and even a bit personal?

A: I've an irrational fear of jellyfish. They're terrifying.

Q: What should others absolutely know about you?

A: Like most humans do, i tend to take myself way too seriously most of the time.

Q: What do you enjoy most about yourself?

A: Mah deeyukh. Nah, probably the way i can spell *anything* out. (Watch this: Pppppthhhthh!!
See? You just got raspberried!)

...and m'balls.


Location: Millcreek, UT
I am traveling to:
Near travel Ogden, UT
Near travel Park City, UT
Near travel Woods Cross, UT
Near travel Provo, UT
Near travel Tooele, UT
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